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The Great Flood in 2008

A Column by the Editor
web posted February 22, 2008
COLUMN – It was a slow news day and with the extra time I began thinking about what national media reports would be like if the Great Flood and Noah’s Ark were to take place today. The headline jumped out at me, “Worldwide Flood threatens mankind - Liberals and Democrats hardest hit” or even more likely, “Environmentalists say flooding due to global warming”.  We might even see a headline proclaiming, “Religious right tied to recent catastrophe”.

Liberal News Network (LNN) WASHINGTON – Democrat Congressional leaders said today that the unrelenting rains that have been reported worldwide over the last week show no signs of weakening. Democrat Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters she is launching Congressional hearings into a suspected “right wing religious fanatic” that may have ties to the cause of the constant rain. “We have reliable information leading us to believe that this man calling himself ‘Noah” is also harboring hundreds of federally protected endangered animals within the confines of his make-shift compound.”

Democrat Presidential hopefuls Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama issued a joint statement asking that Janet Reno be appointed as the head of a rescue effort currently being organized to free the illegally held animals and members of Mr. Noah’s cult that are holed up in the compound described as a wooden ship. “Ms. Reno has proven her talent in peacefully resolving such situations as she did with the Branch Davidians in Waco Texas,” Sen. Clinton said. Plans to simply burn the men, women, and children to death have been scrapped because animals are held hostage in the compound. 

“I won’t stand for the loss of innocent lives,” Sen. Clinton said, “Bill and I both agree, as we did in Waco, that the loss of innocent life is not something we want to see happen again”, referring to two dogs, a cat, and a guinea pig that died in the fire set by government agents. 

Sen. Obama said he feared the far-right-wing cult might have ties to the Arian Nation or some other racial hate group because the members of the group are all white. “I am also appalled that Mr. Noah and his group try to claim their actions are based on claims that God led them to build this so-called ‘arc’ and assemble the animals. I know god and my god would never tell anyone to break the laws of this land,” Sen. Obama said.

Oprah, who was traveling with Sen. Obama in New Orleans to assess the impact the recent flooding has on victims of Hurricane Katrina, said she blames President Bush for not evacuating the helpless people, most of which were minorities, from the low lying areas. ”It’s clear this administration cares little for poor black folks. I have to ask why we don’t see white folks sitting on their rooftops waiting to be picked up by helicopters.”

President Bush, speaking in his weekly radio address Saturday, said he instructed FEMA and the Homeland Security Administration to issue evacuations for the area when the rains continued and flooding was inevitable. “We told people to leave,” President Bush said, “but it was the end of the month and most of the residents in the area were still waiting on their government checks to be delivered and remained in their government supplied housing.” President Bush said he knows the residents in the government housing saw the government warning because they were watching government bought televisions that are supplied with government funded cable programming.

Republican frontrunner Sen. John McCain said from the campaign trail that “it’s just a little rain” and that he hoped it continued into the November elections. “Democrat voters tend to stay home if it rains, that’s a plus for me.” Ibee. White, an unpaid political campaign advisor to Sen. McCain, later amended those remarks and stated that Sen. McCain was referring only to Democrats that support Senators Obama and Clinton. “We enjoy a large political base of voters from the Democrat Party and Sen. McCain in no way meant to disenfranchise our liberal voting base.”

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was unable to be reached for comment as he was playing bass with the heavy metal band Metallica in a fundraiser in Utah. Uben Hadd, an official campaign spokesman for Gov. Huckabee said in a prepared statement that Gov, Huckabee, a former Baptist minister, has been in constant contact with God and that his campaign will continue despite the recent claims that it would “take a miracle” for him to become the Republican nominee. “God told Gov. Huckabee to stay on the campaign trail so that is what the Governor is going to do,“ Mr. White said.

In an exclusive interview yesterday with LNN Mr. Noah said from the bow of his ‘ark’ compound he and his group are preparing for the end of the world. “God has spoken,” Noah said, “and He will destroy the earth and all the evil that is within it.” Mr. Noah said he and his small group of followers, many of which include family members, would be the only survivors from the claimed worldwide flood that will kill all living beings on the earth.

LNN’s clinical physiological advisor Dr. I. M. Stoo PhD said Mr. Noah is suffering from delusions of grandeur and has a “god complex run amuck.” Dr. Stoo PhD said, “this is what you get when you let some right-wing religious fanatic have his fifteen minutes of fame. He wants to take credit for the weather. Anybody can build a boat and then claim to be responsible for making it rain. What an idiot. It’s like saying it rained because you washed your car today.”

Mr. Noah said he is not claiming he caused the onslaught of torrential downpours. “I begged people to join us and to be saved from this judgment promised by God,” Mr. Noah said, “and I was mocked”. Mr. Noah and his followers have been sealed in the so-called ark since the rains began last week. The group continues to be ridiculed by media outlets owned by LNN and across the internet as the “ark” has been dubbed, “The Ship to Nowhere”.

Former vice president Al Gore is capitalizing on the recent rains claiming that governments and individuals can make the rain subside by contributing large sums of money for carbon offsets offered by shell corporations he owns. “It’s global warming. That what it is, global warming. I tried to warn people that the oceans were going to rise and drown everyone.”

Gore said he agreed with Mr. Noah that the evil people, those Gore claimed were members of the “religious right” of the world, are the ones responsible for the continuing rains. “This is not an act of God as Mr. Noah asserts,” Gore said, “We have the ability to control our climate, not God. We are to blame and if everyone would just send $100 to the United Botherhood of Scientific Climate Resource Endowment of Weather and Environmental Direction (otherwise known as UBSCREWED) we can return our planet to the liberal utopia that it was designed to be.”

Calls to God for comment by LNN, Democrat and Republican Party leaders, and liberal reporters went unanswered.

In other news it was noted that evangelicals across the globe have simultaneously booked every cruise ship for the next forty days. “What morons, who wants to take a cruise while it is raining,” former president Bill Clinton said before departing into a back room with one of his wife’s young female campaign aides holding a box of Cuban cigars.

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