Local Radar

Christmas shopping 101
web posted December 19, 2005

COLUMN – It is the end of the year and I am in a rather jolly mood. I have pretty well wrapped up my Christmas shopping although I still have those few little items to pick up. With a fairly hectic and long hour schedule during the week that will mean I will be out there with the panicked “oops I forgot it was Christmas” clowns cramming shopping ceters at the last minute on Christmas Eve.

I remember one year on my way back from a friend’s house in Martinez to pick up the three bicycles for our kids on Christmas Eve I stopped at a truck stop near the interstate to get gas. Standing in line at 11:00 pm a guy in front of me picked up one of these multi-colored roses that looked to be lace for about three bucks. “I bet she’ll love this,” he said as he paid his money and left. I stepped up to pay for my gas and looked at the roses he picked from. They were women’s panties rolled up like a rose. I just thought to myself, either he’s the biggest idiot, or worse; he’s dead on the money.

People are funny if you just take the time to sit back and watch them, and in some cases laugh at them. In my many travels over the weekend shopping I took time to watch the people shopping. I knew what I was going to buy so no shopping is required on my part. Walk in, get it, pay, and then leave.

The first thing I noticed is the most polite God-fearing grandma will take you down if you reach for the last item on the shelf if she wants it. Being totally secure with my masculinity I will tell you I was at Bed Bath & Beyond and had already achieved the objective of my mission into the store without causalities. While waiting for the throngs of buggies worse than Masters traffic on Washington Road to clear so I could get to a register there was a single little waterfall thing that sat on a self. Granny wanted it and so did Mr. & Mrs. Clueless. Mrs. Clueless reached for it and granny snatched it from her hands. “Excuse me,” the woman said, “I wanted that.”

“Merry Christmas,” the old woman said as she placed it in her buggy and sped away. Mrs. Clueless was not so kind in her reply. Ah, Christmas. There was an entire display just ten feet away with dozens more.

I pulled into a parking lot of another big-box store and there was the duel at the OK Corral all over again, one parking place and two idiots. Both waited for the car to pull out and leave and both wanted the space. They both rushed to slot and the one that got it was confronted by the not-so-happy blocked out. He got out of his car and started yelling the space was his. The woman ignored him and walked towards the store. During all of this I went around the nut in front of me and parked in the space next to hers. “He must be a politician,” I thought to myself.

At yet another store I purchased the simplest electrical product. I can not say what it is because my wife reads my columns now and then. At the check out counter the woman told me I could purchase insurance on the item for an additional $4.95 so that if it did not work I could replace it for one year. “If it doesn’t work I can bring it back can’t I,” I asked. “Yes,” the cashier told me. “That’s free isn’t it,” I asked. “Yes,” she said. “So charging me $4.95 for what I get free is pretty stupid isn’t it,” I asked. “They make us say stupid things,” the woman said. Ah, Christmas.

For the husbands out there, word up. If your wife tells you to buy her shoes, a suit, or a pocket book take the cyanide tablet right then and there. The brutality and the horrors that you will suffer entering the confines of these battlefields will eclipse anything seen on the beaches of Normandy. I will never go back until fully automatic weapons can be worn as a sidearm.


 

Featured Dining

Little Mexico

Special Sneak Peek invite and Review

Sportsman's B-B-Q
Breakfast Buffet $5.95
Thursday - Sat urday
5 am - 10 am