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Theory on Global Warming
By: Carl Langley
posted October 12, 2007
GUEST COLUMN – Now that Al Gore, an
assortment of nut cakes from academia and far-left scientists,
entertainment industry fruit loops and others have just about convinced
many of us that we are going to bake, it is time for some direct action
in this global warming business.
For many years I have been a student of many of the applied,
non-applied and weirdly wrapped sciences and, as a result, have managed
to develop, after many nights of self-hypnosis, my own theory on the
creeping horror of global warming.
The title of my thesis on this subject is “The Translocation of Homo
Sapiens and a Resulting Upset of the Natural Order of Global
Situations.” Put simply, the migration of too many people has upset the
axis and polar balance of the earth.
These mighty peregrinations of people who have no jobs, are not
equipped for jobs and would not work in a pie factory at a sampling job
has created a shift in the earth’s axis that has exposed the
northernmost reaches of the planet to more rays from the sun.
This may be beyond the reasoning of most people who have had their
brains withered by cheap Hollywood movies, rock and rap music and the
earth-shaking pronouncements of such highly intelligent people as
Leonard de Caprio, Rosie O’Donnell, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand and
all the other 8th and 9th grade dropouts whose celebrity has endowed
them with cerebral gifts not available to the rest of us.
While not worshiping the late Princess Diana, whose main contribution
to humankind was standing around posing for pictures while surrounded
by a retinue of bodyguards and slavish servants, the aforementioned
folks have kept busy scolding us about our lifestyles before jumping
into limousines and heading out for their next public appearance, which
usually costs ticket holders upwards of $500 for a single seat ducat.
Fortunately for me and those who fret about catching the vapors, I have
been too busy developing my own global warming theory to worry about
these people. I will note that once our lawns suddenly catch on fire,
the family Mercedes overheats, steam comes out of the cold water faucet
and menstrual cycles occur every third day it will be every man, woman
and child for himself. I will refuse entry to my underground cave in
the polar regions to anyone other than family. I bought the place five
years ago from a lightning rod salesman down on his luck and am
shopping for some eco-friendly furnishings to make the place look more
like home. It won’t be hard. I was raised in a place almost like it..
But I digress. Let me get back to the global population shifts that
have brought on the Al Gore nightmare warning and turned the Big Boy
into a global traveler. Do you find it odd that a man whose daily
calorie intake represents enough energy to lift a circus elephant off
the ground is suddenly endowed with powers to forecast global warming?
I came up with my theory after reading stories about illegal
immigration and legal immigration, mostly from those places where large
numbers of people who refuse to work or engage themselves in community
betterment projects decide to take a chance in the good old U.S.A. I
got considerable guidance from talk show host Bill O’Reilly, who also
suffers from the same condition as Al. This means the world revolves
around them and theirs is the only opinions that count.
Fortunately for the open borders advocates who have helped create this
mess, there is a solid base of witless liberals who believe the average
American owes it to humanity to welcome strangers with open arms, give
up their home and hearth to them, pay for their creature comforts,
provide them with medical care, food and housing and refer them to
lawyers who will help them sue American firms and individuals for goods
and property most of us realists are unwilling to yield except at the
point of a gun.
I note for the record and at the outset the foundation of my own global
warming theory. It rests solely on the movement of more than 50 million
aliens to the U.S. and another 50 million to northern Europe, where the
land mass sits more than 2,000 miles above the equator. The equator for
those 82.5 percent of today’s school populations (including faculty)
who are ignorant of geography is the latitudinal line that circles the
earth and divides the globe into two equal halves.
For millions of years the weight of animals, plants, water, inorganic
matter, roadside litter, legal documents accrued in liability lawsuits
and returns to Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Sears have been about equal in both
the northern and southern hemispheres. This has made for a near-perfect
environment, complete with four annual seasons - spring, summer, fall
and winter - with each environment having its own temperatures and
In short, everything has been hunky-dory for millions of years.
The time-honored locations of earthly mass and those occupying space
above earth and water have proved to be a perfect balance. Everyone has
appeared to be very happy with the exception of those liberals and
internationalists (think George Soros) who have a problem with nature
in symphony. Their view is that everywhere some groups of people have
to be unhappy, therefore it is up to us innocent bystanders to make the
sacrifices that will make everyone equal and happy. To get there, a
good liberal says we must encourage people everywhere to move in with
us and enjoy the good life. They are the adoptive aunts and uncles who
Now it is time for a physics lesson.
The earth rotates in a universe where the sun sits in the center. The
earth is not, I repeat, not the center of the universe. In other words
the earth is not a pampered politician, spoiled sports figure or
ignorant entertainer given to
delusions that they are the center of the universe.
The earth since creation of the universe (also known as the Big Bang
theory, not the bangs one hears in a ghetto on Saturday night) has
rotated on an imperfect axis as it circles the sun, and because of the
effect of sun, stars, the moon and abandoned Edsel automobiles has long
had the habit of tilting at a slight angle in the direction of the sun.
But this is corrected during the transition from the various seasons,
and the tilt eventually becomes a tilt to the opposite side. This
effect usually can be seen in a drunk trying to get down a sidewalk,
stagger across the lawn and into his house without alarming his wife.
Tilting, let us note, is a way of evening up the equilibrium or getting
through the evening.
Now, with the matter of mass and movement dealt with, let us get to the
meat of this problem.
The movement of millions from the southern regions to the northern
regions has caused a permanent tilt in the earth’s axis. It is now
stuck in one place, always to the left (natch), and exposes more of the
Arctic region to the sun and less of the Antarctic region to the sun.
This has created higher than normal temperatures in the Arctic and
lower temperatures than normal in the Antarctic, meaning less ice up
north and more ice down south.
This theory is so simple I am left to wonder why I had to come up with
it in the first place. I have enough to do taking care of four dogs,
the old lady and moderating the daily debates of the Downtown Aiken
Coffee Club (made up equally of rednecks and intellectuals) without
having to get involved in this international hissy fit, especially when
limp-wristed, effeminate members of the Nobel Prize Committee lapse
into funks and get into snits when a few protest giving Al Gore the
Nobel Peace Prize.
I find it rather strange that any committee would give Gore a prize
when the poor loser now weighs nearly 300 pounds, has his formal wear
fashioned by Lane Bryant and jets around the world in a private plane,
leaving behind a 28,000 square foot mansion occupied by servants who
refuse to turn the thermostat up and down in order to justify the
purchase of carbon credits. A carbon credit is received when you pay
someone to switch off their bathroom night light so you can light up a
chandelier in the ballroom.
Oh well, having come up with the problem it is up to me to offer a
solution, so here it comes.
I propose that all of those worthless people who have moved into the
northern climes in the last 25 years pack their bags and go home
immediately. That would be, at my estimates, close to 100 million, and
perhaps even closer to 150 million. Their sudden movement, bringing
about the repositioning of millions of tons of worthless mass, would
jolt the earth‘s rotation, forcing a rightward tilt in its movement.
This would restore our earth to its normal balance, the one we were
happy with a quarter century ago.
Let me remind those ignorant of history (estimated to be about 95
percent of the American population) that it was not by accident that
just 25 years ago we were warned of another calamity, In the mid-1970s
Time Magazine, whose writers and editors continue to demonstrate an
inability to handle the English language, published an impressive
report on the environment. The report created a rush to buy blankets,
sweaters, long handle underwear, Army boots and extra copies of Time.
The Time editors and hired gun science whizzes warned us all that the
earth was heading toward a new ice age, the kind that killed off all
the plants and animals millions of years ago. That freeze, as once
reported by Ladies Home Companion, turned their remains into the same
oil we use today to heat our homes, drive our cars and provide the hair
creams used by Hollywood liberals who have not a slightest clue as to
how such products are made.
In summary, let me say I am forwarding this paper to the International
Union of Scientists, the Clemson IPTAY Club, members of the Downtown
Aiken Coffee Club, the Red Hat Society of Aiken, the Crips, the Bloods
and the local branches of the Sons of Confederate Veterans and NAACP
for critique and commentary.
I then will seek a publisher and should have no trouble finding one.
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