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A Theory on Global Warming

By: Carl Langley

web posted October 12, 2007
GUEST COLUMN – Now that Al Gore, an assortment of nut cakes from academia and far-left scientists, entertainment industry fruit loops and others have just about convinced many of us that we are going to bake, it is time for some direct action in this global warming business.

For many years I have been a student of many of the applied, non-applied and weirdly wrapped sciences and, as a result, have managed to develop, after many nights of self-hypnosis, my own theory on the creeping horror of global warming.

The title of my thesis on this subject is “The Translocation of Homo Sapiens and a Resulting Upset of the Natural Order of Global Situations.” Put simply, the migration of too many people has upset the axis and polar balance of the earth.

These mighty peregrinations of people who have no jobs, are not equipped for jobs and would not work in a pie factory at a sampling job has created a shift in the earth’s axis that has exposed the northernmost reaches of the planet to more rays from the sun.

This may be beyond the reasoning of most people who have had their brains withered by cheap Hollywood movies, rock and rap music and the earth-shaking pronouncements of such highly intelligent people as Leonard de Caprio, Rosie O’Donnell, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand and all the other 8th and 9th grade dropouts whose celebrity has endowed them with cerebral gifts not available to the rest of us.

While not worshiping the late Princess Diana, whose main contribution to humankind was standing around posing for pictures while surrounded by a retinue of bodyguards and slavish servants, the aforementioned folks have kept busy scolding us about our lifestyles before jumping into limousines and heading out for their next public appearance, which usually costs ticket holders upwards of $500 for a single seat ducat.

Fortunately for me and those who fret about catching the vapors, I have been too busy developing my own global warming theory to worry about these people. I will note that once our lawns suddenly catch on fire, the family Mercedes overheats, steam comes out of the cold water faucet and menstrual cycles occur every third day it will be every man, woman and child for himself. I will refuse entry to my underground cave in the polar regions to anyone other than family. I bought the place five years ago from a lightning rod salesman down on his luck and am shopping for some eco-friendly furnishings to make the place look more like home. It won’t be hard. I was raised in a place almost like it..

But I digress. Let me get back to the global population shifts that have brought on the Al Gore nightmare warning and turned the Big Boy into a global traveler. Do you find it odd that a man whose daily calorie intake represents enough energy to lift a circus elephant off the ground is suddenly endowed with powers to forecast global warming?

I came up with my theory after reading stories about illegal immigration and legal immigration, mostly from those places where large numbers of people who refuse to work or engage themselves in community betterment projects decide to take a chance in the good old U.S.A. I got considerable guidance from talk show host Bill O’Reilly, who also suffers from the same condition as Al. This means the world revolves around them and theirs is the only opinions that count.

Fortunately for the open borders advocates who have helped create this mess, there is a solid base of witless liberals who believe the average American owes it to humanity to welcome strangers with open arms, give up their home and hearth to them, pay for their creature comforts, provide them with medical care, food and housing and refer them to lawyers who will help them sue American firms and individuals for goods and property most of us realists are unwilling to yield except at the point of a gun.

I note for the record and at the outset the foundation of my own global warming theory. It rests solely on the movement of more than 50 million aliens to the U.S. and another 50 million to northern Europe, where the land mass sits more than 2,000 miles above the equator. The equator for those 82.5 percent of today’s school populations (including faculty) who are ignorant of geography is the latitudinal line that circles the earth and divides the globe into two equal halves.

For millions of years the weight of animals, plants, water, inorganic matter, roadside litter, legal documents accrued in liability lawsuits and returns to Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Sears have been about equal in both the northern and southern hemispheres. This has made for a near-perfect environment, complete with four annual seasons - spring, summer, fall and winter - with each environment having its own temperatures and climatic conditions.

In short, everything has been hunky-dory for millions of years.

The time-honored locations of earthly mass and those occupying space above earth and water have proved to be a perfect balance. Everyone has appeared to be very happy with the exception of those liberals and internationalists (think George Soros) who have a problem with nature in symphony. Their view is that everywhere some groups of people have to be unhappy, therefore it is up to us innocent bystanders to make the sacrifices that will make everyone equal and happy. To get there, a good liberal says we must encourage people everywhere to move in with us and enjoy the good life. They are the adoptive aunts and uncles who never leave.

Now it is time for a physics lesson.

The earth rotates in a universe where the sun sits in the center. The earth is not, I repeat, not the center of the universe. In other words the earth is not a pampered politician, spoiled sports figure or ignorant entertainer given to

delusions that they are the center of the universe.

The earth since creation of the universe (also known as the Big Bang theory, not the bangs one hears in a ghetto on Saturday night) has rotated on an imperfect axis as it circles the sun, and because of the effect of sun, stars, the moon and abandoned Edsel automobiles has long had the habit of tilting at a slight angle in the direction of the sun. But this is corrected during the transition from the various seasons, and the tilt eventually becomes a tilt to the opposite side. This effect usually can be seen in a drunk trying to get down a sidewalk, stagger across the lawn and into his house without alarming his wife. Tilting, let us note, is a way of evening up the equilibrium or getting through the evening.

Now, with the matter of mass and movement dealt with, let us get to the meat of this problem.

The movement of millions from the southern regions to the northern regions has caused a permanent tilt in the earth’s axis. It is now stuck in one place, always to the left (natch), and exposes more of the Arctic region to the sun and less of the Antarctic region to the sun. This has created higher than normal temperatures in the Arctic and lower temperatures than normal in the Antarctic, meaning less ice up north and more ice down south.

This theory is so simple I am left to wonder why I had to come up with it in the first place. I have enough to do taking care of four dogs, the old lady and moderating the daily debates of the Downtown Aiken Coffee Club (made up equally of rednecks and intellectuals) without having to get involved in this international hissy fit, especially when limp-wristed, effeminate members of the Nobel Prize Committee lapse into funks and get into snits when a few protest giving Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize.

I find it rather strange that any committee would give Gore a prize when the poor loser now weighs nearly 300 pounds, has his formal wear fashioned by Lane Bryant and jets around the world in a private plane, leaving behind a 28,000 square foot mansion occupied by servants who refuse to turn the thermostat up and down in order to justify the purchase of carbon credits. A carbon credit is received when you pay someone to switch off their bathroom night light so you can light up a chandelier in the ballroom.

Oh well, having come up with the problem it is up to me to offer a solution, so here it comes.

I propose that all of those worthless people who have moved into the northern climes in the last 25 years pack their bags and go home immediately. That would be, at my estimates, close to 100 million, and perhaps even closer to 150 million. Their sudden movement, bringing about the repositioning of millions of tons of worthless mass, would jolt the earth‘s rotation, forcing a rightward tilt in its movement. This would restore our earth to its normal balance, the one we were happy with a quarter century ago.

Let me remind those ignorant of history (estimated to be about 95 percent of the American population) that it was not by accident that just 25 years ago we were warned of another calamity, In the mid-1970s Time Magazine, whose writers and editors continue to demonstrate an inability to handle the English language, published an impressive report on the environment. The report created a rush to buy blankets, sweaters, long handle underwear, Army boots and extra copies of Time.

The Time editors and hired gun science whizzes warned us all that the earth was heading toward a new ice age, the kind that killed off all the plants and animals millions of years ago. That freeze, as once reported by Ladies Home Companion, turned their remains into the same oil we use today to heat our homes, drive our cars and provide the hair creams used by Hollywood liberals who have not a slightest clue as to how such products are made.

In summary, let me say I am forwarding this paper to the International Union of Scientists, the Clemson IPTAY Club, members of the Downtown Aiken Coffee Club, the Red Hat Society of Aiken, the Crips, the Bloods and the local branches of the Sons of Confederate Veterans and NAACP for critique and commentary.

I then will seek a publisher and should have no trouble finding one.












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