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Opinion

The Dawn of Mankind in Relative Terms


Submitted By Carl Langley
web posted December 9, 2009
GUEST COLUMN – Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would drift down to the seaside in the winter and live on fish, crabs and lobsters.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of the wheel and beer. The wheel was invented to get men to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalysts for the splitting of humankind into two distinct groups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented at the time, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented they stayed close to the breweries. That’s how villages were first formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what has become known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting and brewing learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, salad preparations and hair styling. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.

Because of physical and mental differences that widened over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the Elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the Jackass, so it would not be polite to comment more extensively on this matter.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Liberal fare, which may account for developmental issues in the spinal area.

An interesting evolutionary side note: most of the Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists who consider sharpening a pencil manual labor, Hollywood types who live in a fairy tale world, UN diplomats and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals, by the way, invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat and continue to protest against dodge ball, hop scotch and badminton because of the injury risks. They also campaign against declaring winners at youth athletic events because they fear the losers will suffer damage to their inner selves.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mainly Bud, Blue Ribbon and Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives tend to be big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, truck drivers, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and all the others that work productively while opposing the use of their taxes to support drug addicts, street criminals and politicians, most of whom are liars and lawyers, whichever comes first. Conservatives who own companies have a tendency to hire those who are not only willing to work but enjoy working for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing, except legislation that advances their causes while handicapping the work product of Conservatives. Liberals believe Europeans (who were saved in two world wars by American soldiers) are more enlightened and advanced than Americans although the French have yet to learn the art of making workable flush toilets and tend to relieve themselves on sidewalks, alleys and in gutters.

Because of their belief that Europeans were more advanced, the ordinary Liberal remained behind while Conservatives set out to discover America, where in less than two centuries they turned this country into a nation that saved the world twice, gave the world modern miracles in medicine and various technologies, landed a man on the moon and created other scientific marvels.

Unfortunately, and to the horror of most of us, the Liberals crept into the country long after the Conservatives had made it the world’s No. 1 power, but only after the Wild West was tamed. They have been busy ever since creating an environment in which they continue to try to get something for nothing. They are still at it and will continue until there is nothing left to beg, borrow or steal.

Here ends today’s first lesson in world history.

Editor's note: Mr. Langley concedes the original author of this column is unknown and it is not an original offering authored by him, but wanted to share it with his readers.





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